I used church to cover up revenge sex

Dear Pastor,

I am 23 and I did a very terrible thing that I am embarrassed about. The man who helped to put me through high school was always in love with me.

I grew to love him too because my parents didn't care about me. They had six of us. My mother was a higgler. She used to leave us to fend for ourselves and go into Kingston from Thursday; sometimes we didn't see her until Sunday. I learnt to 'take man' from I was 15. My brothers used to give us what they had, but they had to take care of their girlfriends. We lived in a depressed area. Eventually I settled down with one man. He could not read well, so he depended on me for many things. I cheated on him and he found out and beat me.

When I got over my problem, he refused to have sex with me. One day I caught him with my best friend. This girl and I were both street hustlers. I asked her right in front of him why they had to come to where we live to have sex. My boyfriend told me to stop talking, so I kept quiet. I called one of my boyfriend's friends and we made a deal for him to take me to a popular spot in St Catherine. He asked me how much money he would have to walk with. I told him he needed nothing.

That Saturday morning, I prepared myself and I got dressed as if I was going to church. I left the house soon after my boyfriend did. The neighbours thought I was going to church. But I met the man at a particular spot and we headed to the motel. I spent the whole day with him just to punish my boyfriend for what he and my best friend did. When this man started to have sex with me, I asked him to go easy because he was much larger than my boyfriend. We had sex, then we fell asleep. After we woke up, we went at it again. This time we did not use protection. I wanted to feel everything in me. He promised that he would withdraw, and he did.

At 5 p.m., my boyfriend called me and I told him I was still at church. He said he would go ahead and start dinner. I said fine. I did not get home until about 8 p.m. and I explained to my boyfriend that the sermon was long and he believed me. Every bad thing I knew when I was growing up came back and I did them with this man.

I told my girlfriend that she can come back to the house to see me anytime because I have forgiven her. What I did with this man, in my mind, was to punish him. The sex with my boyfriend's friend was good. Now I find myself wanting him more than I want my boyfriend. What do you think I can do?

T.E.

Dear T.E.,

You have made big mistakes and right now you are playing with your life. The lies that you have told may come back to haunt you.

You had a rough upbringing and there was a time you said you put that type of life behind you and settled with one man. That is the man with whom you live. But when you caught your girlfriend with him, you were angry and decided to spite him by going with his friend. You are not the only girl who has done such foolishness. You planned that the best way to get back at your boyfriend was to lie that you were going to church. Instead you spent the whole day at a motel. Have you considered that this man may one day tell someone that you were both at this place and what you all did?

When you went home, your boyfriend didn't have a clue that you were with another man. You even mentioned a sermon that was never preached. What a deceitful girl you are. Can you understand why some men don't trust some women at all? You are going to have to make up your mind. It is either you are going to totally forgive your boyfriend and stay with him, or you find another place to live and settle down with another man. But you should not continue trying to spite him or punish him. You shouldn't continue to live with him while craving to be with his friend. Make up your mind.

Let me hear from you again.

Pastor