Scared to try oral sex

Dear Pastor

Keep up the good job that you are doing. I am in a sticky position. I have been in a relationship with my child's father from I was 15 years old.

He is not the best, but he tries. He cheats on me from time to time and I do the same. He is also abusive. I love this man with all my heart and I hope some day we can get married.

Pastor, I love him but our sex life is awful. I want to get it back on the go. I always wanted to try oral sex with him to see how he would react, but I am afraid of how he would take it.

I am a very attractive young woman who is always working because I don't like to beg. We live together and apart from the sex, we are trying our best to allow our daughter to have everything she needs.

I am also trying my best to stop cheating, and I think I have done well from this year started.

Please respond. I would love to hear from you and hear how I can do better. Also, I would love to meet with you for counselling.

Initials withheld.

Dear ...

You are aware that your child's father has cheated on you many times. But is he aware that you have cheated on him? I am assuming that you are cheating on him because you do not enjoy having sex with him.

You describe the sex as "awful" and you raised the matter of oral sex because you believe that oral sex would spice up the sex between this man and you.

You are scared to introduce it to him because he would like to know where and when you learned to do so.

I could see why you are scared to suggest that the both of you should engage in oral sex. I do believe that you love this man; however, some people would wonder how could two people love each other and cheat on each other.

I will answer that by saying that I counselled a married woman some years ago and she said that whenever she was making love with her husband, she would make suggestions to him about what they could do to spice up their sex life and he would get angry at her and ask her where she learned those things from.

So she stopped making suggestions and allowed him to do 'his thing', and then she would call her boyfriend the following day, and her boyfriend would do everything she wanted her husband to do to her in bed.

I know that you are not married and I believe you when you say you don't want to continue to cheat. You are trying very hard to be good.

I would therefore suggest that you and your boyfriend make an appointment to see a family counsellor and discuss with him your problems in general. Then you may raise the matter of oral sex.

Please understand that I am not suggesting that you tell the counsellor that you have had oral sex with another man. You are only asking the counsellor's opinion. A wise counsellor would ask whether your child's father and you are hoping to engage in it.

I must make haste to say that some counsellors do not encourage oral sex. But others do not condemn it. Couples have separated over this matter.

It is a very delicate matter. I hope that this man and you would stop fooling around outside of your relationship and stick together and get married. I will be praying for both of you.

Pastor.